Where to start?

[Excerpt from the memoir North, south, east, west.]


Where to start? Amazement, excitement, dream, coincidence… (What was all that?) “I had a dream, Basia. I dreamt I had a daughter and I knew she was not mine, but still she was my daughter…” Will I ever tell you about this dream, Dawid? Could be, yes, why not? I feel I could tell you anything and you won’t mind. It feels so at ease, at peace… So I guess I should warn you about what some guys, friends I have or used to have, have told me… But before, when was it that I had this dream? Go, check! 1st July… I wrote about it the morning of the 2nd, the day of the Pancake Breakfast… When I saw him for the first time. He was kindly holding the hand of a small girl. It was so beautiful to see, I couldn’t stop myself from waving goodbye to him, as a sign of approval, as a sign of gratitude: thanks for allowing me to see you both. They were pure love… And he waved back. I just felt happy and wondered how fortunate the mother would be, where was she btw? Maybe waiting in the car, maybe she had to rush to prepare something for them… What a beautiful family! What a beautiful life!… I wish… I still don’t know if I said it. If I really wished it, did I? I think not, I continued being mesmerized by the view. There were some previous things that I noticed there, which were sort of disappointing: I saw fear in people’s eyes. Before that, everything was just perfect… So I was a little sad, but then they both came, Dawid and her daughter to save the day. And then… the next day Basia, she was behaving very weird. “Somebody wrote me that he would like to meet you… But no, you should meet Melisa… But no, would you be interested?… He’s Polish… Melisa… She would love to see you!” And when I asked her about him, she gave me some work to do. It was weird, I thought it was me, I may have done something… Then late at night I could find out by myself who Basia’s mysterious friend was. “The friend I came to say, ‘hi’”. I just didn’t know, we were greeting everybody but… And then Basia saying, “I would definitely be with you, the first time you meet.” He was the guy I saw with his girl, I couldn’t believe it! I wanted to share this with somebody, not Basia nor Irek… I called, I texted… I even apologised for the times I haven’t been kind enough… No comments.  Next day, Basia would go. “I feel I shouldn’t go,” she said. “I will miss, you.” I told her, but deep inside I also wanted to meet Dawid by myself. “He’s a womanizer.” I was not afraid of this. Most of my friends are, have been or were and then, when you end up alone… That’s the moment when you start thinking what is it that you really want in life. It has happened to me too: I’ve felt lonely at times too. “Is it everything that there is in life?” Sometimes I do enjoy being on my own too. Too, too, true… “Better alone than badly accompanied.” My granny used to say. True. “Wouldn’t you like to meet someone?” “(Hesitation)… I tried so many times, Irek, that this very moment I’m completely worn out… As when you try with all your might to achieve something and no matter how hard you try, you just get nothing, nowhere…” I wrote the day I couldn’t sleep in Polish. Myśę: gdzie idę? Nigdzie, nigdzie… And when I went to bed and had the dream. (Such a loop! We’re back here.) Dream, reality… Yesterday, it was like a dream: waiting for a sunset. Most people would just leave me alone. You stayed and you were happy. “We have the same hair colour!” I felt you closer. Long, straight hair, same colour… I hope you keep on fighting, for your girl, it’s just so precious what you’ve got. The story of the rock, the thing you showed me, the miracle inside your pocket. Who has a miracle inside his pocket? People cannot longer see miracles… But for me… This very moment, I believe, I do believe.

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