“Un giorno credi di esser giusto e di essere un grande uomo. In un altro ti svegli e devi cominciare da zero.”
“A day you believe to be right and to be a great man. In another you wake up and have to restart from zero”, is from 1973 that Edoardo Bennato song, “Un giorno credi”, is playing in the speakers around the world. I heard this song so many times, already, and many other times after all I still keep finding these words fitting perfectly to my situation.
I managed to arrive back home, finally, in my loved city in Puglia I got some peace with my soul. In this last months of the 2020 seams that the full World is running against me, I found my self in situation that had completely and unexpected changed my whole life. Everything Started when in December, blinded from love I diverted my route and instead to spend my holidays in Italy and I took a flight to Mexico City final destination a wild adventure in the jungle. Something I never done before.
Laura, I thought that she was the right one, I was amazed from the way and experience this girl had inside. I wanted to badly meet this girl, I wanted to challenge myself, to deep myself in her dimension. A dimension so far from the my World, the World I used to live in, the only world which did exist to me at that time.
We been talking for months before this adventure, we been talking a lot, about us, our way to live and see the world. We both have been traveling in our life, I sailed the 7 seas on a cruise ship, always surrounded by leisure, wellness the perfect world done on purpose for a week or 2 vacation after almost 14 it became my normality to live with a feet in the water and one on the land. This was my world.
Laura, meet me while her healing period in a lost Island in the Canadian North West was going to end. The last trip ended up taking care of the Lama in a Buddhist sanctuary. That was her way to travel backpack on the shoulder few coin in the pocket a computer and the wishing to help people for her life. Yes Laura always was thinking to help someone to the point to forget to help herself.
From the adventure in Mexico I decided that I wanted to meet this girl more, I wanted to understand her way of living, I wanted to open myself to the view of this lady, her world was so interesting, her way of living something impossible for me, I always struggled to stretch myself between the two worlds, the world in her eyes was to far from mine.
My world view since that moment had a material aspect, everything was turning and moved by the economy, without a job and a sure income was something impossible for me.
We both got sick in that jungle, She definitely had to save my life when 42 of fever stroke me in a bed just few days before Cheistmas, few days after she was in a bad as well. The most wired things I remember of that day was a girl that was googling how to reduce fever and trying the most variables way to keep my temperature down and me alive.
I had to leave my hands in the hands of a girl I meet “for real” just a week before. Yess We did meet online while she was couchsurfing for a place to stay from her way back home.
She never camed in Seattle, for some reasons she letted me know just few days before our meeting that she changed plan to fly directly back home, Mexico.
Well I felt than the right things to do was to follow her and finally meet this charming person.
Our health problems diverted our plan and the wild adventure in the Mexican jungle shaped into a Christmas holiday with the whole family.
In that day I meet 3 uncles 4 aunt, few cousins, the whole dad’s side of the family. Everything was flowing perfectly, I felt home, I felt in a family, it was a little wired but Rodben I loved Roben’s family from the first sight.
Tired of the cold of mountains and the uproar of Mexico city, one of the busiest city in the world, I the reins of the trip rented a car and drive all the way down from the mountains, though the Mexican desert to The beautiful beaches of Acapulco. I showed Laura my way of traveling to enjoy the life, it was super easy to get a room right away on the beach for 50$ a night. In Seattle you could barely buy 2 pizzas with that money, Laura was impressed by my actions, I still can remember she saying you are so powerful, soon after I start discovering that all my power was economical and in reality all that power was emptying me from inside day after day.
I never being able to open myself completely to her, I was scared from what she was saying from her words I can’t find my position in her world, it was everything unknown for me I was scared and unsure but I decided to go head, in her eye I can see love shining, I liked her so much till the point that I thought right to warning her that I wasn’t sure about love and every time I remembered her she stepped back. I was thinking if she really love me she will do it for ever I just need my time and I could be able to love her too. Sure I felt in love for Laura as well, I still do, and probably I was already doing it in Mexico, but I cannot see it all the time.
My rainbow had two colors at that time, white or black, in or out, I never found myself in the middle. I realized to late that life had thousands of color and that you can see to anything from thousands of different point of view and all of them have a reason to be there. In my world was enough a miss understanding to go from white to black, from she loves me to she Is not loving me at all but instead using me.
Not yet aware of the world we both were using to live I decided to ask her to follow me in Seattle and start a life together.
I left Messico few days before the new year and on the night of the first of January she was in Seattle with me.
I was shocked, everything was super easy and smooth she knew how to make me happy, she was sometimes to much for me. She was trying all the best she can to serve me. I was feeling uncomfortable in that situation. I never was looking for someone to serve me, I wanted some one to share my life with a partner in crime someone at same level of me. I felt something was wrong, I wanted someone there to talk with and share my thoughts but looking behind only now I can see a girl going crazy to find a way to satisfy me, so busy finding to accomodate with perfection any of my request to not realize that the only things I really neded was her presence, just to be around.
I was working hard, on crazy 12 hours shift, day and night, my mode affected by a weekly jet-leg, the raining days of Seattle and a unsureness if a life and a job there was something I really wanted for my new life I was trying to build on the land.
Few months later, today, this question did not had a reason existing anymore after being laid off, now I am asking myself what I will do here, ok not really sure if here is Bisceglie my loved home town, but I am almost sure it will be Italy.
It was not an easy choice, to leave her behind but I am sure that I have to find myself again now. I am looking to so many colors now that I can’t see before, A new life is starting now, I don’t want to look back but forward instead, I asked her to follow me to Italy, I am here she is there and closing most of conversation with goodbyes since to long already now. I just hope you understand that to really help someone you need to help yourself first. Work for what you believe and what you really need, only when you will find what you really are and start to see the whole picture from outside you will be able to freely love someone again!